Running On Empty...No More

In the wake of my father's death, I am stuck between yesterday and tomorrow, but not in a "seize the day" or "smell the roses" or "enjoying today" kind of way. I feel like time is just sitting here and I'm unable to move forward. I am clothed in a palpable weight of sadness. People mean well. I know they do, but I'm surprised by statements of how "blessed" and "lucky" I was to be with my father in his final days and hours. I don't feel blessed or lucky at all. In my world, if you did not have to watch your father suffer from the cruelest of diseases and then lose the battle, then YOU are the lucky one. It's not a gift that I no longer have this beautiful man in my life. I'm not lucky that we fought hard and had hopes of sharing another holiday together, only to have time run out. I'm not blessed that I got to hold dad's hand as he said goodbye because it means I'll never get to hold his hand again. ...

"Give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus." I Thessalonians 5:18 As my dad continues to receive daily treatments at Johns Hopkins, I am in awe of the people we meet every day -- from the 5 year old child with a rare form of cancer to the Congressman who suffered a stroke while having a brain tumor removed. These people are all fighting for their lives. And each one of these people has one thing in common -- they are thankful for today. I have spent countless hours trying to understand why my dad was (un)lucky enough to get such a rare form of cancer. Countless hours reading about it on the Internet. But these days, I am just like the 5 year old and the Congressman - simply thankful for today. Thankful for the time I have left with my dad. Thankful for the car rides to and from the hospital, where I get great marital advice from my father (like, "never share a bloomin' onion with your spouse"). Thankful that my ...

My father is the funniest man I've ever met. Sometimes, I laugh because his humor and wit are terrific and he has every intention of seeing me throw my head back and laugh like a hyena. Other times, he has no clue just how funny he is. Today, I experienced the latter. Dad is on chemo and radiation, and while that is not funny at all, his chemo chat today was no exception to hilarity. He is required to drink water prior to radiation -- not a ton of water -- but more water than he's accustomed to downing at one time. Mom and I suggested that he pretend it was beer, but he was having none of that. He turned to me, after chemo and as he's prepping for radiation, and said, "You know what the hardest thing about this is? Drinking all this damn water." Really, Dad?? The hardest thing is the water? I am still laughing at the look I got, and I snapped it just in time.

I have waited my whole life for my father to say "I love you." These words do not come easily to him, they never have. I know he loves me, but I never hear him say it. Recently, my father has been diagnosed with prostate cancer. He's not looked well since Christmas and on April 23, 2014, it was confirmed that he has the Big C. Since then, I have thought of nothing else in my spare time. Will he make it? Am I able to do anything for him? Will he suffer? Will he ever tell me he loves me? His PSA score was normal, but his Gleason rating is a 10. I knew nothing about either of these things until April 23, and now I know he has a very aggressive form of prostate cancer. With radiation, the doctor says, he could extend his life 5, 10 or 15 years. My dad is very positive and says "I couldn't ask for more than 15 more years." Then we see another doctor who feels the slides from the biopsy should be re-examined. He "sees something". Upon further examina...

This is the craziest time of year for mom's; well dad's too, I suppose. But every day it's a rat race for me between work, dinner, homework, and taxi-cab-driving. I do not stop all day and have very little time for myself. I'm not complaining, either, I signed up for this. Because of this crazy schedule, I revel in the idea of food shopping and running errands without the kiddos, so this morning after all three went off to school, I thought I'd run to WalMart and the butcher shop before I started work. WalMart is my least favorite place to shop, but it's in the same shopping center as the butcher shop. Convenience wins every time. After waiting a ridiculously long time in line, I loaded up my car and drove away. At least, I tried to drive away. While waiting at a Stop sign to leave one of the parking aisles, a red car came around the corner with the clear intent to turn down my aisle. Unfortunately, she was driving on the wrong side of the road and cut me of...

There are times when parenting is exhilarating and I feel a fullness that I cannot put into words. Those times have always involved a personal triumph that I was fortunate to either witness or participate in and usually require a lot of effort along the way. All three of my children have recently experienced such triumphs and I feel the need to write about each one so that I can preserve the joy for the rainy days ahead, when I undoubtedly will experience some parenting lows. This one is about my oldest son. Nathaniel has had an ongoing struggle with school and does not know where he currently fits in academically or will eventually fit in the world. This is probably typical of many sixteen-year-olds, but he's my first, so I have nothing to compare him with. He does not like to study, attend class, or play sports. He marches to the drum of his own beat. He is unique. While at times I love this about him because he can be entertaining, it has also presented parental challenges....

Hallmark has us convinced that we should have a perfect day to celebrate mom; and while mom's do deserve recognition and honor for the work that is done, I am equally convinced that there is no such perfect day. Our expectations have become unrealistic. Thank you Hallmark. This year, for "Mother's Day", I set out to church to play some music as usual. It was lovely. There was a brief recognition with flowers the kids brought for mom and the traditional hymns to go along with them. Of course, my kids forgot the flowers, but they still joined in the celebration after borrowing some buds from kids who did remember. Following church, my husband informed me that he'd made reservations at a restaurant for brunch with him and the kids. We had to pick up one of the kids from a scouting weekend, where he white-water rafted and slept in a tent for two nights. The plan was to head right to the brunch after picking him up. I'm guessing every mom reading this has the sam...

You would never know that it's springtime in Cochranville. Snow flurries continue to swirl and my skin feels raw in the wind. I hear that Groundhog Phil is being indicted, accused of lying as winter marches on. I keep looking where my daffodils and tulips are supposed to be, wishing I could force them to bloom. If only it worked that way. My daughter, Gracie, speaks her mind freely and does not hide her emotions. She is sensitive to those around her and will be the first person to make friends with a lonely one in the corner. She loves to dance and be on stage. She draws colorful pictures with heartfelt messages to her family. She craves affection and makes no bones about telling you when she hasn't had enough. Her laugh is infectious and people are drawn to her personality. But she has one area of her life that causes her great concern: she's just not as good in school as she would like to be. She is not stupid, by any means. She understands a lot for a 3rd grader. She...

Last week was a really long one. By Friday, I had been to three different doctors for two of my children, plus to my dentist twice for a veneer that just won't stay put. It's been that kind of winter. So by Monday morning, when my computer ceased working, I was not pleased at all. I could not afford any more unscheduled events in my crazy-busy week, and was gearing up for another very long and frustrating day. Since I work from home, there is no "IT" department, there is no one but me who can fix a problem should I have one. So I set out to the Apple store in hopes to find a new battery. Simple fix, I thought, since all indications were that I had a faulty one. This shouldn't take long at all. First stop: Springhouse Media in Exton, PA. After diagnosing that it was indeed the battery, I was told that it would be three full days before I would have a new one installed and that I could just leave my laptop until then. Um, I can't do that, I said, but I wi...

When I was growing up, I don't remember being sick often. I had chicken pox, like all other kids, and I had an occasional cold. But when I was sick, the greatest comfort was - and still is - my pillow, my bed, and a bowl of homemade chicken soup. Clearly, I have passed this tradition on to my kids. And I mean literally; they want MY bed, MY pillow and the first thing they ask for when they're not feeling well is homemade chicken soup. I tried canned soup on Gracie recently and she said, "I'm not putting that stuff anywhere near my mouth." Yes, I've spoiled them all! This same child has been glued to my hips since my surgery in the fall. Spending so much time away from her had a big impact on her, and she's still trying to make up for it. Mama this, and mama that all day long. She needs me for everything . She needs the normal things, like listening to her read, sharing every detail of her day, sharing the mood of her teacher and how it either made or rui...

Five-hundred years ago, bully meant friend, family member, or sweetheart. The root of the word comes from the Dutch "boel", meaning lover or brother. Today, bully represents a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate another person. So what the heck happened?? As a child, I had to deal with bullying just like every other kid I knew, but not to the extent today's kids have to deal with it. I had two bullies to deal with - neither of which I'd like to remember (but alas, remember well!) and neither of which are active members of my inner circle now. Today, the internet and cell phone texting makes it very easy for bullies to reach the masses and cause some much more serious damage. Our ability to communicate rapidly and effectively is causing a lot of harm with today's youth. The media reports suicide and murders resulting from bullying on a fairly regular basis. It's not just media hype, either. I've witnessed the devastation as a mother o...

It's no secret to anyone who knows me that I think my son, Ben, is an amazing kid. He handles himself with grace in even difficult situations, and is thoughtful, courteous, and so fun. He dotes on his mother, which helps boost my opinion of him, too. But he's also really deep. He listens, he thinks, he analyzes. Last year, on a hunting trip with Chris, he shot a turkey. It was his first kill. As a mother, it actually pains me to write that he had a "kill", but this is the reality of a hunter's life; and in our house, if you kill it, you eat it. Otherwise, why hunt? So we prepped the turkey and cooked it. It was magnificent, and Ben was proud. So I thought. It turns out, Ben had been thinking about this turkey for months, and was unsure how he  felt about killing another living being. In school this fall, he was asked to write about a memorable event, so "A Turkey's Funeral" was born. The turkey collapses, it gives one more shudder, one more f...

I'm so excited!!! I just had to put this video in here because nothing says how I feel better than this, and this arrangement is awesome. Doesn't it make you want to dance? What am I so excited about, you ask? Dr. Dreamboat told me that I needed patience. He told me that it would be about eight weeks before I felt normal again. Not only do I feel normal, but I feel FANTASTIC , better than I have in about 15 years. Can I get an Alleluia!! ? I think back to all the days of "not feeling right" and feeling sick by the end of every single day and the energy that drained from me after exercise that seemed to energize others - I can't believe I felt that way for so long. This is a lesson to anyone who is sick or just "not feeling right" - seek help and do not stop until you get the right help. You are not crazy! I had doctors tell me (for years) that there was nothing wrong with me, and I felt crazy, but constantly pushed myself through the day. Energy a...

I've spent a lot of time over the past six weeks in a recliner chair recuperating (I can prove it by my expanding bottom!) I'm two weeks away from exercising again, although I can't imagine doing my Boot Camp exercises anytime soon. Walking will be my first foray into re-entering the fitness world and I cannot wait to get some additional oxygen flowing again. Laden with heavy medical bills that only a year ago would have been 10% of the current cost, health care is a huge concern for my family. With each passing year, less and less coverage is available to us, and more costs are incurred every time we need medical care. With the upcoming election, I'm paying really close attention to the candidates and how their answers to this crisis will impact me. I've never felt the pinch as much as I do now, mostly because there are two members of my family who have needed significant medical care this year. After watching the RNC and DNC for two weeks, I cannot say ...

I prayed for months for the ability to live in the moment, to find patience - patience with my family, my work, my music, my wants and needs. This recent speed bump has forced me to practice patience, but some days, it is difficult to live in the moment. I keep looking forward to the "day when...". This past Friday, I was scheduled to see Dr Dreamboat to have my staples removed. It was a glorious day in my mind, because I'd been counting down the days until they would be permanently removed. I'd convinced myself that this would be a turning point for me. My dad graciously (was) volunteered to drive me to the appointment and I could tell that he was a little apprehensive about the drive, as was I. Luckily for me, we have backroads to the hospital and could avoid some of the milling of the roadways in anticipation for the new pavement, because the short distance we were on the bumpy roads was agony. I gritted my teeth so dad wouldn't hear me groan about the bumps ...

We take things for granted all the time. I used to think nothing about sitting up or getting out of a chair on my own; or cooking a meal for my family; or driving to the grocery store; or doing a load of laundry. I never thought I'd miss doing some of these things should these jobs ever disappear, either. Our closest grocery store is eight miles away, but I can tell you that once I'm better, I will not complain about driving there to shop, because I'll be so thankful that I can drive   and shop. My children know how to do laundry, thankfully, but cooking has always been my job and my joy. I've decided that I will spend a few afternoons each week guiding the kids through meal preparation, sharing my tips and tricks and teaching them how to cook. I'll start with something simple, like tacos, marinated chicken breasts or tuna steaks. Once school starts back up, I'll save the lessons for the weekends and their days off. And who knows, maybe they'll end up bett...

I was scheduled to have laparoscopic gallbladder surgery for gallstones a week ago. Instead, I now have 38 staples in the form of a metal zipper from my chest straight down and around my belly button. Nothing quick, easy, or routine about this experience, although somewhat familiar. Doctor Dreamboat (did I mention that he's tall, dark and handsome?) warned me prior to surgery that given my previous internal injuries, he was not sure what he'd find until he started the procedure. But even he admitted later that he was not prepared for what he'd see. After attempting the laparoscopic procedure, doctor dreamboat could not even find my gallbladder. When he first said this to me, I laughed out loud. That's like a chef admitting he didn't have the right pot to cook the soup in. At least, in my doped up state at the time that's how it seemed. When he finally cut me open, he said he was shocked by the amount of scar tissue inside of me from my previous internal injuri...

The past several weeks have been a little difficult, to say the least. I've been sicker by the day as my gallbladder removal approaches, which makes time crawl by. Why is that? Most of the time, my life whizzes by so fast that I'm looking for a brake pedal, but when I'm feeling lousy, the days drag on. I said to a friend recently that I'm just looking for the rainbow after the rain; but I have to wait for the rain to stop first. Chris' uncle, Chetty, has been fighting cancer for 2.5 years. We thought he was doing great, and then received word about three weeks ago that he was back in the hospital and the cancer was back and bigger and more fierce than ever. The doctors could do no more for him and hospice was to be set up for him to return home. He died this morning, surrounded by his beautiful family - his wife, Carol, and four daughters. When I say "beautiful", the word does not even begin to describe this family. Yes, they are pretty to look at - all ...

I easily looked up an area code this morning to identify where a call came in from last night. I identified the state and time zone in a flash, which prevented me from accidentally waking somebody up at 6 am Pacific time. It is fantastic that I could do this so quickly and without much effort; and as I think about the information available at my fingertips daily, I'm in awe of the volume of information out there as well as the speed at which we can access it. But there are times that I wonder, does there have to be  so much info out on the net? Last night I read into the wee hours of the morning all about gallstones - causes, treatments, problems after treatment. And what I've read was disturbing, as well as confusing at times. It reminds me of Billy Joel's song, We Didn't Start the Fire.  I was in college when BJ released this song. There are too many facts spewed out all at once and most of the events I cannot decipher. Did he say face monkey and bacon Reagan? Or w...

Six months were spent planning our family's most glorious vacation to date, and the two weeks we spent together were gone long before we wanted the time to end. We saw some of the most beautiful scenery, ate some of the best food, and spent some of the best time together - away from the noise of our lives - the noise of schedules, computers, obligations, and commitments. I captured our time together with over 500 photos (a little hobby of mine) and plan on turning some of them into art for our home. A daily reminder of the quiet of early morning sunrises and fullness of the love of my family will sustain us until our next get away, except it's going to be difficult to top this one. The two pictures shown here have significance in the promise I made to myself several months ago - to really start taking care of myself and get rid of some of the unnecessary noise in my life. The first is the sunrise from Cadillac Mountain in Acadia Park, Maine. Twice, Chris and I rose at 4:00 am...