Bullying

Five-hundred years ago, bully meant friend, family member, or sweetheart. The root of the word comes from the Dutch "boel", meaning lover or brother. Today, bully represents a person who uses strength or power to harm or intimidate another person. So what the heck happened??

As a child, I had to deal with bullying just like every other kid I knew, but not to the extent today's kids have to deal with it. I had two bullies to deal with - neither of which I'd like to remember (but alas, remember well!) and neither of which are active members of my inner circle now. Today, the internet and cell phone texting makes it very easy for bullies to reach the masses and cause some much more serious damage. Our ability to communicate rapidly and effectively is causing a lot of harm with today's youth. The media reports suicide and murders resulting from bullying on a fairly regular basis. It's not just media hype, either. I've witnessed the devastation as a mother of a victim, and will go into action immediately if I witness or hear of any incident my kids are dealing with. I'm not just a mama bear reacting to an incident on the playground, I'm protecting them from long-term, irreversible scars.

How could anyone bully these beauties?

You see, my oldest was being bullied for years while at Octorara Middle and High School. He never said a word about it, but I knew something was wrong because his grades were dropping and he was gaining weight rapidly. He slept a lot, but I thought that maybe that was a sign of a newly arrived teenager in the house. I ignored the whispers in my mind that something major was going on. But I only ignored them for a little while. I reached out to school officials and teachers, inquiring about my son. The response was the same every time. "He's just adjusting to 9th grade." "It's a transitional year." "His drop from A's to C's is normal for boys." Huh?? No way was I going to let this kid be another statistic. I knew I had to act, and act quickly. So our search for a completely new life for him began, and in the process I learned of the bullying he had endured for years. He hated going to school and he hated the people who made him feel so terrible about himself, and at a time in life that is so crucial to building self-esteem. I'm just so thankful that I listened to the whisper in my mind telling me to help him, and listening to his silence. I paid attention to what was in front of me even though there were no words to describe it or explain it. It was drastic - moving him out of the school, making him start over somewhere else altogether, and making him repeat ninth grade. But I don't regret it at all - it's been one of my finest mom moments. He's happy again, and tells me so much more about his thoughts and feelings, and he's doing so much better in school. He's got friends and is surrounded by a really nice group of kids. I don't blame the school staff in his old school, I don't blame any one person in particular - I blame all of us.

Why all of us, you ask? On a daily basis, I witness adults snapping at their children in the grocery store, yelling at their spouses, shouting at each other on the highways. Our politicians bully each other during every campaign. We have reality television shows and crazy talk shows where violence and shouting and bullying is not only accepted, but entertainment! And we accept it. There is an anti-bullying movement within our schools today, but that is not going to stop any of it as long as mainstream America continues to embrace people in the public spotlight that encourage it.

For my family, this struggle is not over. My second oldest experiences cruelty on a daily basis. He is not one of the "cool kids", but he is brilliant. He's gifted intellectually, but he's got the soul of an angel. I have the names of kids who have tripped him in gym class, said horrible things to him in the lunch line, and mock him when he has an academic triumph. I do nothing with these names - I don't know what to do with them and he wants me to do nothing with them. I'd like to think it was my awesome parenting that allows him to handle it so beautifully, but it's just his nature. When he's shared his stories with me, he included as part of his confession that these kids do not bother him because some day they will work for him. He figures he'll have his chance to watch them grovel later in life. And he says he knows it won't be those exact kids, but kids just like them.

My Gracie has recently experienced bullying from a classmate. Fortunately, she shared all the details with me right away. Although her teacher did not see this as "bullying" because there was no physical threat of violence and instead derogatory statements throughout the school day, I was able to push for some changes which have made a big difference in my daughters desire to go to school. She had begun to cry before getting on the bus and just did not want to go. Luckily, she is in a better place now that she has minimal contact with this individual. I encouraged her to speak up and stand up for herself. When she finally did, she felt terrific and the girl backed off. Now Gracie has the confidence to speak her mind when she's not being treated fairly. Since she is so sweet and being raised to love all people, no matter who they are, she is sometimes conflicted with how and when to say something, but she's working on it.

I have made a conscious effort to be thoughtful about my actions and words when talking to others. After all, the kids are watching and they will mimic me, but I can only control what is in my little world. For the rest of the world, I'm going to pray. What else can I do?